I hate it when I wrestle the God that I adore

God relishes His mercy on me and for that I should be forever grateful. He took his Son who knew no sin and He became sin that I may have right standing with God. He gifted me with the greatest gift and it doesn't start in Heaven it starts now on earth, it has come and is still yet to come. Here on earth that plays out in very backwards ways in the eyes of man but some of the best news about that is where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Freedom to approach God, to accept his love, freedom to a new grace given identity. All of these things are because of the mercy of God He gave me the identity of Christ when I deserved damnation, bondage, and death. When God is giving me mercy I love mercy. Mercy is the best thing ever. The other side to that coin though is when I am wronged I want justice and I want it now. I do not want those who have wronged me to have access to the same mercy I have been saved by. If I feel like a person has done a terrible thing to me I don't want to forgive them. I want to hoard my forgiveness and I want them to receive punishment not grace. It doesn't seem fair that they go unpunished so I want to see the wrong made right in my way. For me forgiveness is great I need forgiveness but giving forgiveness is hard and often painful. I want to hold on to my bitterness and disappointment. By choosing to do that though I am putting chains on myself that Christ has freed me from and I begin to feel bondage not because God has taken his freedom away, its still there, but because I am holding on to the bondage that no longer defines me. My action are not true to my identity but that does not change my identity.