Persistently pursued.

So I have story that I know is worth telling. It took me aback and left me shaken... literally.
So I had dinner with Meredith Johnson tonight and she had mention to me that she was going to go to worship in the quad tonight because Rebecca was telling her testimony and for some reason, kinda out of character, I said "text me whenever you decide if you are going for sure" and she said she was for sure going and we made plans to go together. Well I noticed it was storming and raining and so text her later to ask her if it was still happening. She said yes so I decided I was for sure going. So I met her there and she told me that she was only going to stay until after Rebecca told her testimony so I thought that I would leave at the same time.
Well after much awkward mingling the service finally begin. This guy opened us up and all I kept thinking was how he was a little strange and I thought he was kinda a joke. Well then the band got on stage and begin to lead the group in songs of worship. I started to get a little anxious and that went on for a little bit. Finally God spoke to me and said "you are not in control. you are not meant to hold things together. when things fall apart it is not your fault. you do not have to feel guilty" I felt myself getting a little teary eyed and relieved but only for a minute. Soon I realized if I wasn't to blame then someone else had to be blamed and I needed to know who guilty and I need justice. I started to think about how we have choice and because of the fall we suffer from things. Then I was thinking "NO I will not accept that because that will ultimately leave me feeling guilty again. that must not be the right answer." So I was back to being angry and not relieved. The service progressed and all I could think about is the line from the book "The Shack" where God says " I don't allow things to happen but I do redeem them." I kept thinking in my head the things that happened in my life can't be redeemed. I don't want redemption I want justice! I want them to pay! So I was having this fight with me and God. All the while the guy that had opened the service was pacing up and down the aisle. All I could think was "he better not come pray over me or touch me. I don't want to even to be notice" Finally the singing portion of worship ends and I began to listen to Rebecca's testimony. Rebecca finishes her testimony and the singing begins again. Meredith leaves because she has a big presentation that she needs to finish preparing for but for some reason I stay.
So there I sit with a hard as stone look on my face full of anger. Trying to decide when I will make my getaway so that I don't have to mingle again with all these people I barely even know. Then it happens, that guy who opened the service comes over and sits next to me. Once he sits down he asks me "How are you doing?" and i think forget the belt of truth I am lying and out of obligation I answer back " I am doing good"
Guy: Have I met you?
Me: ummm no
G: Oh that is why I didn't recognize you. What is your name?
M: Robyn
G: Robyn, God told me to tell you that he loves you
M: thinking (okay whatever cool go away) "Okay"
G: He wants me to tell you that it is not you fault
M: (oh wow stomach sinks it really is God talking) "...okay"
G: pauses, closes his eye, and prays silently " He told me that you are changing you beliefs about yourself"
M:(oh my gosh be transformed belief system is this really happening?) "....okay"
G:" I don't know if I am getting this right because it not coming from me its coming from God" he stops again and prays "he wanted me to tell you that you are changing you may not see it but you really are changing"
M: "...okay"
G: "he wanted me to tell you that he knows that you are angry because of something that happened when you were a young child"
M: (what I don't talk about that barely anyone knows) "....okay"
G: "he also wants me to tell you that he is proud of you. you may not have heard that a lot growing up but he is proud of you and he loves you."
M: "...okay"
G: "he wants me to tell you he is going to use you for great things in big ways"
M: "..okay"
G;"he wants to make you a proverbs 31 woman"
G: He wants to use your ability in the arts... your creative abilities."
G: "he wants you to know he loves you"
Then I knew that if I don't believe anything else about God I know for sure I believe that he is persistently pursuing me.