Frustrated

I used resent my family. I hated them for who I thought they made me become. All I could see was the things about myself I hated, all my problems, the bitterness, the anger it all pointed back to my past experiences within my family. I hated that my dad was always gone working to provide for me. I hated that he couldn't be there. I hated that he did it all for me. I hated it would seem ungrateful for me to admit any of this. I hated my mom. I hated that her and my dad got a divorce and I never knew them married. I hated that she was mentally ill.I hated that she hid it from me for so long. I hated that she married my first step father. I hated that she put us in such a horrible situation. I hated that I had to be so strong for her. I hated myself for making her crazy. I hated me and my brothers for ruining my parents lives'. Most of all I hated that I loved them so much that it hurt so much every time my mom got sick. If I could hate her and forget about them it would be easier I thought but I love them so much. and. i. hated. it.
When I started writing this post I thought I was going to say how I am at peace with my past and tie my life of into a perfect bow. I thought we had been through the storm and finally there was a break. Then this weekend happened and this morning I found myself sitting in the front seat of the car doing the ugly cry. I had this perception that because I was working on my life and my relationship with God and trying to make peace everyone else would have magically changed with me. Let me tell you I was wrong. I went home this week and realized again why I felt the way I did about myself and why I always find myself running. Running away from what was and trying to build a new life now. I have done a pretty good job. I like my life outside of my family. Everything is going good and then I go home to my mom's house.
I am forgotten. I am never good enough. I am always guilted. I am the glue that holds my family together. My brothers don't talk to each other. They don't talk to my mom. So somehow I am the messenger among all of them. They have always depended on me more than I can handle. They expect me to carry them through. I feel so weighted down with my responsibilities.
I don't know my options. Running is not a good option. Being in control of holding the family and communication together is not a good option either. I don't know what to do. So what do I do... either stuff my emotions and ignore it for 21 years or sit in the front seat and do the ugly cry.
My life will never find peace. I see no pretty bow in my near future.