victory

Here is something I wrote last May when I was really struggling for freedom from an eating disorder. I developed an eating disorder probably around my freshman or sophomore year of high school. It was a coping mechanism for me, something I could control when I couldn't control anything else. It was until my freshman year of college that I even realized I had an eating disorder but at the time it wasn't something I was willing to change. During that time I was going through some really hard stuff with my family that I just wasn't ready to accept. Instead of gaining the normal freshman fifteen my first year of college I lost twenty pounds. During that time my ideal weight was 99 pounds and just to give you an idea of what that would like, I weigh around 125 right now. I began going to counseling for a little while my sophomore year but between my grandpa dying and the adoption of Matthew my feelings were too raw and I quit. My problem with my eating disorder persisted during my first year of RA, my junior year, but this time I knew that it was one of the many issues in my life that I needed to address. I went to counseling twice a week from September 2008- February 2009. During that time I was challenged and found healing in so many areas of my life ( or at least the beginning of healing)

I wrote the following paragraph last May 5/20/2009:


"Do you ever know you need to ask for help but its the last thing you want to do? Let me be honest with you I battle against an eating disorder and sometimes it hard. Sometimes I need help with it but I need help most of the time at the moment when it is the last thing I want. I hate telling people that I have an eating disorder lest they think they need to be my personal food monitor and make sure I am eating. I hate having an eating disorder. I hate it because it has no logic and it takes every effort sometimes not to fall into really bad habits. I hate it because it seems really unappreciative of the blessing of food that people all around the world lack. I hate it because it makes me admit that media and culture have influenced me. I hate it because sometimes my happiness and identity is tied to a number instead of a savior who laid his life down for me. I hate it because for me it is a sin. because it is an idol. I hate it because there is so much more to me than how I look yet sometimes that is my only obsession. I hate it because it can easily distract me from my pursuit of God if I am not aware of what is going on. I hate it because as soon as I think it has no power over me it comes back to haunt me day and night. I hate it because sometimes I love it and want it more than anything but I hate it. I hate it because I don't want my future daughter ,if I have one, to battle it. I hate it because I don't know how to get rid of it."


Since that time I struggled with an eating disorder actively for about two weeks longer until through prayer and help from a few mentors and friends I stopped the habits of skipping meals. The last time I did that was sometime during the first week of June 2009. I can't believe it has almost been a year! I am not saying it isn't still a struggle because it is. I occasionally , probably more than I would like to admit, think about starving myself again. Each time God has given me the strength to resist. I am thankful for that. This is a battle I will probably face the rest of my life but it is an area God has shown me he can give me victory in.